Effects of Divorce – How Often do YOU Feel Guilty?

By Charlotte Kamman

My divorce was a pretty easy process. I never thought about the effects of divorce back then, neither for me or for our daughter. My ex-hubby and I never really fought, we just decided that we were making each other unhappy instead of happy, and that it would be better for both of us to move on. What I never could have imagined, is that the mere fact of our marriage going down the drain, would still have a big emotional impact on my daughter and me for the years to come. I started to discover only recently, that some of my feelings where I feel guilty and disappointed, stem from that time, when we decided to split up.

Feeling guilty has never been an issue for me. Maybe I sometimes wondered why I would not feel guilty in situations where most people would, but more than that I would not think about it. Last night, however, I talked to my husband about an occurrence of more than a year ago. He told me that it had been my mistake, and I felt really offended. Now, when I have a strong emotion, I know that that always points to some hidden thoughts and believes in my subconscious mind, and to my dismay I discovered that I was actually feeling guilty and disappointed in myself. I managed to localize the feeling as a little pebble in my stomach, and I realized that I had been feeling that pebble quite often over the last couple of years.

Guilt is a weird emotion. I never thought that I would feel guilty about things which are not my fault. And actually, there is very little which is my fault. Yes, I made my mistakes, but then, who doesn’t? I am fine as I am, no need to change me! And still, apparently, there is this feeling of guilt smoldering somewhere in the abyss of my subconscious mind…

I felt it yesterday, when I talked with my husband about a mistake I made a year ago. I felt it last week, when I talked with my Dad on the phone, and he told about my Mom’s troubles of the moment. I felt it last weekend, when I spoke to my brother about his little boy having trouble at school…

What is it that makes me feel guilty so often? Me, who thought that guilt was not something which belonged to my emotional repertoire… Am I feeling disappointed about myself?

If you know the feeling of guilt, you probably also know the feeling of disappointment as well. In your and my case, I think that those two feelings are very much inter-related. I know that I am prone to feel guilty, when I have the feeling that I should do or be better at that moment. When I use some examples of this last week, I feel that I should not have made that mistake I made in that moment, now more than a year ago. I should have known better, I should have been wiser, I should have been less egoistic and more concerned with the others involved. When I talk to my Dad, I feel that I should be around more, maybe even move to the little town they live in, so that I can help out more often, buy the groceries, cook for them when Mom has a bad day… When I talk to my brother, and he tells about his little one having trouble at school, I feel that I should not have taken my daughter with me when I moved, so that the children could play more often, and maybe even go to the same school, so they can support each other.

Expectations lead to disappointment (Buddha)

Maybe our feelings of guilt are rooted in expectations as well. Sometimes it is other people who make us feel guilty, our partners and ex-partners are often very good at that. More often it is us who make ourselves feel guilty, by being disappointed in our own behavior and emotions. We often make comparisons between people: Jenny is smarter than Mark, Mark is more good-looking than Henry, Henry earns more money than Edward. In the same way, we compare ourselves with all these people, and we also compare ourselves and other to an ideal picture we have of ‘how one should be’. These ideal pictures are often far from realistic, but we still use them, and we are constantly disappointed by the way people act and by the way we ourselves act, think and feel.

One of the nastier effects of divorce is, that we often learned to close ourselves down to negative feelings and emotions. As soon as we start to be aware of the link between the emotion and the body sensation – like pain or discomfort – we are on the road to uncover these hidden feelings and we can start to master our emotions again.

The second step… You are not perfect. Nobody is perfect. And even more, you have no obligation to be perfect. You should not even try to be perfect! You are OK, just as you are. Your past is your past, you took decisions which you would not take today, but then, you did not know then what you know today. Forgive your mistakes, and tell yourself that at least you learned from them.

The third step then is easy: When I forgive myself, it is so much easier to forgive others. When I stop judging myself, I also stop judging others. My relationship with the world, my family, my children, my partner and most importantly, with myself will improve tremendously by doing this.

Step four wraps it up: I am more effective in my relationships, I am more pleasant, loving, caring to all people that matter. The chance that I make big mistakes like the ones I used to feel guilty about, gets much smaller because of my new way of acting, feeling and thinking!

Charlotte Kamman helps blended families to be great as a cosy and warm base for children and stepchildren. The effects of divorce are often unavoidable, and yet many people do not expect them to hit so hard. Stop blaming the children, start making the chance to need now!

Article kindly provided by UberArticles.com

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